Breaking News - THREE Scandals Rock D13 Congressional Race
Breaking News - THREE Scandals Rock D13 Congressional Race
Anna Luna, Eric Lynn and Write-In-Favorite Jacob Curnow all face major late breaking October Surprises
What a time to be in Pinellas County, Florida. There’s an open congressional seat, with potentially the balance of power on the line. At just the wrong time, frontrunner Anna Paulina Luna has been hit with a scandal that’s only been talked about for the last three years. Not to be outdone by the Pinellas County School Board race, Eric Lynn (Luna’s opponent) wanted some drag queen photo-op of his own. But the most serious scandal is facing the Never-Luna write-in favorite Jacob Curnow. We will take you through each of the three breaking scandals. We report, you decide (as long as you decide for Anna Paulina Luna for Congress).
Scandal #1 - Anna Paulina Luna was a swimsuit model
In news that’s only been retread about 2,000 times by now (that congressional candidate Eric Lynn literally thought was breaking news worth fundraising off of), it turns out when she was younger Anna Paulina Luna was a swimsuit model. Pinellas County 40’something Karens (and two beta males who are honorary Karens) collectively heaved their keyboard warrior disgust at the Trump-endorsed and presidentially vetted Freedom Caucus candidate Luna. “This is an outrage” said Karens. “I would never wear that swimsuit.”
“Thank God” said the rest of Pinellas County.
And, as you would anticipate Tidings Media would do, we have unearthed a photo of Luna from her modeling days. Judge for yourself :
While we at Tidings Media will not rescind our endorsement over this scandal, we do recommend that Luna, once in congress, realize that her critics might consider it stolen valor for all of the Olympic Medalists if Luna were ever to wear a swimsuit while in congress. Some knuckleheads over in St Pete actually tried to have a press conference on this swimsuit-gate earlier this week with Eric Lynn supposedly in attendance.
In news you can’t make up, it seems that Eric Lynn was jealous of all the attention the drag queens from Allendale United Methodist Church were getting in the Pinellas County School Board election. Wanting to demonstrate that you don’t have to be on the school board to support Drag Queen Story Hour, a picture surfaced of Eric Lynn hitting the dance floor with his own favorite performer (not that there’s anything wrong with that.) It was a refreshing break from Lynn’s campaign to make sure as many babies as possible end up on the wrong side of the “choice.” Ask any pre-teen that spends time being targeted by the Lynn campaign on YouTube and they will tell you that Lynn really hates that Luna defends the unborn.
Here’s the picture of the self anointed moderate Obama speech writer Eric Lynn :
On a more serious note than the Swimsuit-Gate, and Eric Lynn dancing with the “stars” I do have some non-funny news to tell you.
When low-information voters started hating on Luna for in her younger years looking good in a swimsuit for cash, and after she dispatched with their promising accused-stalker-defender Kevin Hayslett candidate in the primary by an embarrassing 10%, the “Never-Luna’s” turned towards the little known Jacob Daniel Curnow as their candidate of choice for a write-in campaign. The “Anyone But Luna” crowd is perhaps not the brightest group of opposition researchers we’ve ever encountered.
Jacob Curnow, who garnered a stunning 7 (seven!) votes as a write-in candidate in the 2020 election for the same seat, held great promise for the Never-Lunas to crack double digit votes in this election. The Never-Luna election hopes are now dashed, after Curnow’s arrest this week for brandishing a large machete and threatening to do harm to his mother and sister.
I know that this is serious, but was he wearing a swimsuit while he was brandishing the machete? Cheer up, Never-Lunas. This doesn’t mean you still can’t write in Curnow on your ballots. At least you can tell both of your friends that you didn’t vote for that swimsuit wearing, mother’s maiden name bearing veteran Anna Paulina Luna for congress. Never doubt the wisdom of the Never-Luna’s.
It’s worth pointing out that the allegations against Curnow are just that, allegations until proven guilty. The Luna swimsuit-gate, on the other hand, is confirmed. Vote accordingly.